What to Say (and Not Say) After Baby Loss: A Personal Reflection

Wave of light, at 7pm on the 15th October is the culmination of a week long global recognition of awareness for baby loss.

I am writing a very candid and rather blunt article of what to say and what not to say to someone who has lost a baby/child and or had a miscarriage. I’ve included examples of my own experience, if this kind of thing is too upsetting for you, please pass on this article and we will see you another day.

The Weight of Losing a Child: Why It’s Different

I know what was said was never intended to hurt me, (I knew it at the time but it didn’t help). In retrospect, I see that because child loss is such a sensitive subject, everything that was said, was out of awkwardness.

I find that when an older member of the generation, particularly those in their 80s and beyond, passes away, it is more widely accepted. It’s common knowledge that death will happen at some point. Moreover, the deceased lived a full life, making decisions, choices, and experiencing various emotions and environments. This doesn’t diminish the pain for those left behind, but overall, you carry memories of that person because they were here to create them.

When a parent (you are a parent the minute you as a person or a couple get pregnant) you not only mourn the loss of the this little ray of hope you have created but every experience you had planned.

You lose everything.

You lose the smiles, the giggles, even the cries when you lose a baby. No matter if that baby touched earth, or is a miscarriage, you lose and entire lifetime of promise and love and experiences. From their first words and steps, to their first day of school. Firsts of everything, seconds and thirds as well, it’s all just lost.

My Experience

The irony is, I didn’t realize how much I missed out on until I had my 4 x rainbow baby who stayed on earth. A rainbow baby is the term for a child who was born and lived after a loss.

I lost my first pregnancy at 26 weeks (H.E.L.L.P syndrome). He was a boy named Daniel 11 years ago and he was born alive but died soon after. I missed seeing him alive because I was under anesthesia for my emergency C-section.

I then also had two further miscarriages in quick succession 5 years later.

My son was born 9 years after my first and was my 4th pregnancy.

What Not to Say to Grieving Parents

This list is not everything that was said to me, but a collective of my experience and those I have read about on baby loss groups I’m a member of.

I implore people not to say:

God needed another angel
At least you have other children x, y, z
(After it’s been a few months or even years) Are you not over that yet? – You really need to move on
Child (name) is at peace
They were not meant to stay
Everything happens for a reason (this one was said to me a lot)
It’s not like it was a real baby is was just a cluster of cells. (you would be surprised how common this one was, especially in early miscarriage)
To the other parent – you need to be strong for your partner/wife. Both parents need to grieve
It was not the right time
You can always have another (I really hated this one)

If you don’t have the stomach to see a picture of a baby, possibly who is not fully formed, send a condolence card and do not, I repeat do not see the parents who have just lost their child. Again, it has been a common theme in many of the baby loss groups I am on, people have visited and then asked them to put away photos of their passed child as “it doesn’t look right”.

Do not compare the grief over losing an older generation loved to be on the same level i.e. “I know what you are going through. I lost my grandma recently.” They don’t and it’s not the same, it’s just not.

Obviously there are many more, but hopefully this will give you an idea. Even some of the innocent and well intended phases can do harm.

What to Say (and Do) Instead

Saying to call me if you need me is great but most will not take you up on the offer. When you have just lost a baby you are in a kind of waking coma. Physically you’re there, but the world is turning and you just don’t feel present in it.

The best thing that I most remember is when my friend came into the hospital room and said to me

“I’m not going to ask if you’re ok, because I know your not and it’s a shit situation.”

(excuse the bad language) Honestly that was the best thing she could of said to me. She acknowledged my feelings and didn’t sugar coat it. It was a relief that I didn’t have to put up the pretense that I was ok. She sat there and let me cry and just let me talk. It was the biggest release of emotions and it was nice to have someone to just let feel it rather than having to put on a brave face for everyone else.

These are the things I suggest to say and do at the time of passing.

Let them talk. Parents want to talk about their child. They want to acknowledge that their child was here even if they never touched earth. The fact that a mother carries life in her even briefly is a miracle.

Help them by remembering. I got messages from a couple of people on the first anniversary but by the second no one remembered and honestly that hurt. You don’t forget a living child’s birthday so why forget one that has passed?

Help out with errands. If you haven’t heard of grief groceries look it up. Like I said before the parent/parents are in a zombie/waking coma like state and often forget to eat. Asking what they want doesn’t help as they will often tell you not to worry and that they don’t want to put out anyone else. It is better to just go out and get some staples.

This next little list is of course time and money dependent, so don’t put yourself in a difficult situation, but try and consider at least one of the following:

Cook a meal that they can reheat
If they do have other children, offer to take them out give the parents time to grieve
A voucher for a take away
A thoughtful gift or card.

I’d like to add a caveat to that last one. Flowers are lovely for many occasions but something that’s perishable can cause unexpected stress and distress so consider a potted plant rather than cut flowers. A few people bought me baby angels, and I love them. I still have them out, and every time I look at them, I remember how much that person cared.

This should have been number 1 on the list, but actually it deserves a full paragraph. Acknowledge their pain. Validate their feelings. Know that nothing you say is going to make it better so let the parents tell you how they feel and make them feel comfortable to be real in front of you. They shouldn’t have to feel like they need to put on a brave face if they want to scream, cry, or fall to the ground. Just let them and then hug them.

It’s Not a Personal Slight….

…if they don’t reply or they don’t want to see you.

After some time has passed not like right after but maybe a couple of months.

Share good news; moves, engagements, pregnancy announcements etc. We like to be thought of and acknowledged but please don’t take it personally if we do not want to be involved. Any of these situations will depend on the individual. I wanted to be around babies and wanted to hold them, while other people want to stay as far away as possible.

Grief has no time limit.

Put it in your phone calendars and text the person that you are thinking of then on their child’s anniversary.

Ask questions, parents want the acknowledgement that their child was here please do not avoid the subject. Yes it will probably make us cry in the early days but we would still rather talk about our child.

It is very personal, but if the parent/ parents are doing some kind or commemorative action and if you are family or a close friend ask to join in the activities like lighting a candle in honor of their child.

When you go round to offer your condolences, help out with a little bit of house work. Washing dishes or picking up some clutter might go unnoticed but it all helps.

This list may be blunt and a bit direct. Its intention and design is to be helpful. It is largely based on my own experience and opinions. while not every parent/ parents will grieve the same way, as for immediate family grandparents, siblings etc I suggest that the do not say list applies to them as well.

Please feel free to add your own experience in the comments and expand the list as hopefully this will spare the parent(s) the added pressure of smiling through the tears of knowing that people mean well but don’t necessarily know what to say.

All said with love, light and hugs x